BDSM and Relationships
Sun, 12 Dec, 1993

>>> Are there really successful relationships that involve BDSM? <<<

Dear Doug,

I'll add my voice to the chorus with a resounding Yes! and our relationship's length to that list of statistics someone posted: five energetic years and still going and going and going...

I'd also like to say that the sense of incredible warmth and trust that a bottom may sometimes experience toward a top within a good scene will often turn into something deeper over a long period of time spent with that person. The trust becomes so intrinsic, so second-nature, that no matter how outrageous or painful or scary the command, you do it without hesitation because you know (from repeated experience) that your partner knows what s/he is doing and that everything will work out all right.

One personal thing that being in a BDSM relationship with Donald has given me that I never had before (despite a 12-year relationship/first marriage) is a sense of permanency and belonging. Life experiences had turned me into a person who always believed that nothing in life: no home, no membership in a group, no friendship was permenant. People, groups, places, identities, anything I tried to cling to were always being taken from me or sending me onward when I appeard to outstay my welcome. I entered into my slavery to Donald with that idea firmly in place: he would eventually tire of me, or I would manage in my blundering way to do something terrible that would alienate him, either way--I'd be sent packing sooner or later, and I needed to steel myself for that time. I've slowly learned to trust the fact that Donald (and Donald's love) is not going to go away, that he will always be there as long as he lives, that the sexual fire will not die down. That sense of security--of someone always being around--is something I've never had before, and I still don't trust it completely (these days my thoughts turn to "Well what if he died suddenly?") but slowly I'm coming to believe that this relationship and my slavery to him is a permanent and not a transitory state and will last as long as one of us is alive.

Speaking of long-term relationships, I read about one couple who had been happily married for 20+ years when they suddenly discovered that all along they had been doing S&M: he told her he owned her after the first time they made love; he regularly teased, spanked and humiliated her, etc. I don't know how two people could go through life doing S&M naturally and not ever hearing it referred to as such, but whether or not the "sheltered minds" aspect of their story can be believed, 20 years is a heck of a long time!

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