>>> If the other person was suddenly ill, or died, you can find yourself completely lost through not havng had to make choices for so long. I think that it would be safer to at least stay in touch by being 'given permission' to make a decision now and then. <<<

Hi Brian,

I have a number of things to say in response to your message. First of all, thanks for your concern . Your point about getting out of the habit of making decisions is an interesting one and one I haven't given much thought to. My master acquired me when I was well advanced into adulthood (age 30), and B.D. (Before Donald--g) I was the fiercely independent type--never relied on family or friends for anything, if I could help it. I also have a pretty strong core personality. I wonder if, having made all decisions for myself from about age 16 on, I could ever get so out of practice that I would find it difficult to cope should I have to do it again? It's an interesting question, and I don't have an answer.

I didn't mean to give the impression that Donald makes all the decisions. He is a lazy dominant (if I dare say so myself--g) and often makes me decide that which he can't be bothered with. But as far as all the major decisions go, yep, he makes 'em all. However, he always insists that I provide him with my intelligent and honest and best input: he wants to know my ideas about something that's going to affect me or affect us both before he makes the final choice. This practice of carefully analyzing how I feel about a particular decision point and articulating my thoughts and feelings about it just may be keeping me in practice for making my own decisions sometime later in life, but again I can't be sure.

>>> I have a theory that rather than us humans having only scratched the surface of what we are capable of intellectually, we are past the limit when coping with everyday life and relationships. <<<

I am in 100% agreement with the second part of your theory: it's as if we still have all the instinctual responses of happy tree baboons but are forced to live in this ridiculously complex and alienating environment called the modern world. No wonder we all fuck up so much of the time! About the first part I am not so sure. As an optimist, I like to think that while we may not be able to emotionally cope with the modern environment, there is still a lot about the human mind that is unknown and that might be able to help us, if we only knew how to access it.

Your suspicions about Donald are right: has a super coping ability: he's the sanest person I've ever known or known about, despite the fact that he's got such an intense case of realism that most people peg him as a dark pessimist . Compared to him, I am a real muddler in the mud puddles of life, but I lack no confidence that if I had to, I would muddle through without making too much of a mess.

>>> However, I am now alone, and found the strength to do what I never thought I would - survive. What am I saying, I am not totally sure, but I think it's that although we may feel that we cannot cope, when we have to, we do. <<<

I am sorry about your mother. I think that losing the companionship can be as bad (or worse) than losing the post you leaned against. Donald took seriously ill about two years ago and nearly died. He was in the hospital for over six weeks, most of it in a very serious condition. During that time I got to "practice" what it would be like to be on my own again and make the majority of the decisions. I did pretty well although naturally, I hated it , but I think it was good practice for me, dealing with all the fears and unknowns, as well as the mundane stuff like "where the heck did he stash the medical insurance papers?" He is 13 years older than me, so the odds are that I will be placed suddenly upon my own resources again someday. Coping during Donald's illness gave me a taste for what could come, and while I can't say I will ever like it or even feel neutral about it, I've discovered that it is endurable.

Again, Brian, thanks for your kind thoughts and for sharing your experience. Your question about whether one can lose or fall out of the habit of making decisions is a very good one, and something I need to give a lot more thought to.