Humiliation
Fri, 17 Dec, 1993

>>> I think most doms view the beating as their source of pleasure; doms who enjoy delivering a resounding mindfuck for its own value seem to be rare. <<<

Dear David,

I don't know how rare the mindfuck doms are. My dominant certainly loves humiliation, among other mindgames. I didn't have much of an idea of how fun humiliation could be when I met him. I thought S&M was was primarily about beating and bondage--purely physical cruelty. Humiliation is Donald's biggest kick, however, and so, being the adaptable sort that I am, I learned to love it too. You know, I hadn't thought about this in a while, but the first thing he had me do when I flew into town to meet him for the first time was a humiliating act. I had to strip outside his apartment door while he examined me, slowly. He then had me get on all fours outside his closed door while he lightly spanked me in the hall (but boy did those spanks echo!) Anyone could have walked up or down the stairs at any time, or come out of their apartment. I must admit, I was pretty petrified and not enjoying the finer elements of the situtation. I was in no position to, I guess, little newbie Rosie was just trying to hang on and keep the terror and the shame from drowning me. When he judged I was almost over the edge, he let me crawl into his apartment then closed the door behind him. Although a part of me was was never so happy to hear a door close , I also was hearing the saying "abandon all hope ye who enter here," echoing through my mind as I crawled cross the threshold. This was my first real S&M experience and my first in-person meeting with Donald, so naturally I was thinking things like, "What if he's a psychopath?" It's strange to feel both immensely relieved and terrified at the same time. One of the things Donald did which served to intensify the humiliation for me was to tell me a few weeks before we met what he was intending for my first night at his place in loving detail: how I would strip outside the door, how I'd feel the cool breezes on my skin, how exposed the hallway was, how he'd keep me there for an indefinite amount of time, how someone might come and if so, how I'd just have to stand there obediently, every little detail repeated lovingly over and over for several weeks, so that by the time I had to get on the plane, I was in a near trance state of fear, nervousness, anticipation, and excitement.

This probably belongs in its own thread, but what heck: my S&M deflowering was a pretty intense one. Has anyone else out there got a good "first time" story to tell? Also, are there other doms out there who, like Donald, delight in devising "mind-blowing" first experiences for novice subs? What are some of your favorite creations?

Back to the topic: as others have said, humiliation is a very personal thing: what works for one person may squick another or bore a third. I am very shy about exposing my body, almost prudish, and Donald, having discovered that, hit upon this hallway scene as an ideal introduction to S&M--his style. A lot of his subsequent humiliating of me has involved publically exposing me in places where people may or may not see us. When we're out traveling, picnic tables are a favorite of his: I'm bent over the table nude from the waist down and given the order to freeze while he plays with my bottom (he likes to pull my cheeks open and ask, "Feel the cool breeze?") or paddles me. Time seems to stretch on forever in those moments, you hear every crunch of gravel, every distant motor, and you're sure (and Donald encourages this) that a hundred eyes are watching you. One of the nice side-effects of humiliation is that its emotional intensity serves to bring you down to earth and get you in the moment. If the humiliation is at all affecting, you are not thinking about who's going to be the next director of the Pentagon, you are not thinking about Michael Jackson's maid, you are PRESENT and experiencing every little sensation in intense detail. In a way, I hate this sort of humiliation when it is going on, it is so mortifying, but my body responds to it like its the greatest thing since Mr. Bear vibrators and I do so like thinking about it afterwards (especially during those oh-so-rare occasions when I'm permitted use of a vibrator--g). And you know, there's a milder but similar turn-on in writing about it, it's just a bit...embarrassing (now where'd Donald put that Mr. Bear?)

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