Re: longtime lurker has questions
Fri, 13 May, 1994

Dear Rob,

You ask, "how is it for me?" Much better than my formerly-vanilla sex life by about a thousand orders of magnitude, but anyone can see that from reading my messages. I'll say more about this in a minute, but first I want to answer your other question.

>>> What does it mean that you don't have vanilla sex? <<<

Sex is the word that in this newsgroup seems to get more people and threads in trouble than any other word. People read a message where someone states an opinion about "sex" and they instantly insert their own personal and usually completely different definition for "sex" into the message and then get totally pissed at the writer because how could they be saying such stupid awful things about "sex" and pretty soon you've got a free-for-all starting to ooze out the salon doors and onto the street all because each participant has a radically different idea about which acts, attitudes, ideas, and emotions do and do not constitute "sex."

So with that said, let me try to define my terms as much as possible. When I said "vanilla sex" in my message I was talking primarily about heterosexual intercourse and secondarily about sexual activity of any sort that has no D&S element to it. We don't do either. Why not? Well, we both love D&S too much not to have it be a part of everything overtly sexual (and non-sexual) that we do. The intercourse thing is Donald's choice--he's just not that into standard vanilla sex. He says he never has been, but with me he particularly likes my mouth .

Back to your first question. How is it for me? Well, on a few very rare occasions I start to feel like a nun and sometimes almost as if I were a virgin again. That's a weird and almost wonderous feeling--sort of an empty clean feeling. I mention it, because it is the only thing that I might label a "downside" to the way Donald controls our sexuality, as my mind occasionally translates that emptiness into a lack, a not full sensation. I wonder if formerly heterosexual, now lesbian, women ever feel this way? I'm much more anally-oriented than vaginal, and so even when given a choice, I rarely want to stick a vibrator or dildo in my pussy--they just don't do much for me. Donald allows me to have a couple of orgasms a week, one right after the other, and I come by masturbating myself (usually after I've been built to a frenzy by all our other activities). Donald gets very excited from the S&M play too, and when he calls for my "lip service" , he often comes within a very short time because he's very ready. Like many D&S practitioners, a lot of what passes for my sexuality goes on invisibly in my head, and it's by far the most intense sexuality I've ever experienced. I think you could safely put me in the addicted slut category .

Oh, want to know something else weird about us? We don't French kiss--Donald doesn't like it, thinks it's yucky--girl cooties and all that germy stuff. My sexuality is so tied up in serving someone else and being enslaved that I think you could even take most or all of the phsycial trappings of S&M away--the bondage, the whippings, the sexual teasing and torment, and I could still be pefectly satisfied--as long as my partner was completely controlling me. I suppose you could almost say that being controlled is a fetish of mine

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