>>> I have a very naive question. How do people with interests in bondage or other non-mainstream activities find each other? <<<

Dear Naive Questioner,

When you want to find someone who shares a non-mainstream activity--say, astrophysics for example--you must go--whether virtually or in person--where such people hang out. You go to astrophysics clubs; you take classes in astrophysics at the local university; you join the astrophysics newsgroups, fourms, or SIGS that reside on national on-line services and local BBSs. You may place an ad in the local paper: "Interested in forming an astrophysics study group. Call 111-2222." Or you may place an ad in the personals section of your local paper: "Want to walk under the stars with sexy female astrophysicist." You subscribe to astrophysics magazines. You go to the conventions you hear about through those magazines, through your on-line sources, or through the local clubs and classes you've joined. You visit places that are know to be hotspots of astrophysics--you know, the places where most of the research occurs, or where there are the biggest university research programs. In other words, you enter the astrophysics "Scene" in some or all of its myriad forms.

You can also participate in a more general Scene of which astrophysics is a subgroup, such as general science, but your opportunities for meeting astrophysicists are much less there than if you attended astrophysics-specific events. (The equivalent of this for sadomasochists is attending sci-fi conventions in the hopes of meeting other perverts. Chances are that those perverts are there, but they are a minority among all the other sorts of people there, and finding them can be like looking for needles in a haystack. You'd be much more likely to meet S&M types if you stuck to S&M-specific events.)

What you don't do is is date people at random or because they've got a cute face or body or personality and hope against hope that they're also astrophysicists, unless you've got a good 500-1000 years to spare on this endeavor. Statistically speaking, that is a losing strategy. Now, you could always date the cute face or body or personality or go to the singles bars while wearing your "The Big Bang Sucks!" button and hope to attract the one in 10,000 who happens to be an astrophysicist. Once in a blue moon that works: I've "flagged" my sexuality in a vanilla setting and had someone pick up on my signals--once--but again, it is statistically unlikely, especially if the astrophysicists you are trying to attract are less likely than the general population to frequent singles bars. No use trying to locate a source of honey in a country without a bee population, you know.

Serious question: why do you want to attempt the almost-impossible and meet S&M people without entering the S&M Scene(s)?

I'll answer that question, not for you, but the way I would answer it. Most perverts I meet have nothing in common with me besides S&M. We aren't matched intellectually or emotionally; we don't have common outside interests; our politics are not the same. Finding simpatico people who are also simpatico sexually almost seems like a losing proposition to me. At the very least, it is an extremely difficult and time-consuming endeavor, often fraught with disappointment. I'd almost (but not quite) rather take my chances getting to know someone on a number of conventional levels and then hope against hope that he is also a pervert than try to find a pervert who could also be a conventional friend. Both ways of searching have their disadvantages, the primary one being their length: one could spend decades on such a quest and never have anything to show for one's troubles.

By the way, I met my partner, Donald, whom I live with in an absolute master-slave relationship, over the computer in an online S&M discussion area, much like alt.sex.bondage. He matches me in almost every conventional way, and all I can say about that is, statistically speaking, I got lucky.